My nipple is on Facebook.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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