just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
