How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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