The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
