drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
