I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
