i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
