the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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