Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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