May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
