I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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