it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
