Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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