he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
