I must be too annoying 4 u.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
