I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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