yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
