Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
