I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
