a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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