She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
