I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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