I think my vagina is haunted
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
