at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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