i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
