he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize