Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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