The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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