hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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