He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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