I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
