She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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