In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
