Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
