I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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