Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
