if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
