Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
