His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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