no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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