I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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