Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
