This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
