the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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