my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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