I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
