woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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