i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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