Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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