just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
