My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
