u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
