Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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