Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
