I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
be right there i have to get my cape
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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