just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
