nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
