i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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